Marquis de Scotts

One of the very few drawbacks in our recent move from condo to house is the whole yard deal. Don’t get me wrong, a yard is exactly what we wanted…fun for the son, fun for the dog, summer meals outside for the wife…that sort of thing.

Unfortunately, coming from a condo meant we had nothing in the way of proper lawn care equipment. And, due to the fact we purchased a vacant property in the middle of a hot summer, we inherited the Worst Lawn on the Block™. I didn’t mind at first, but as dog-walking neighbors turned their noses up at my son and me as we frolicked in the crabgrass between the patches of dirt and fungi, well, I knew something had to be done.

Having missed the contest and not seeing any concerts scheduled at the local hardware store, I figured the best bet would be to drain the bank account and head to Home Depot and start the Scotts treatment, or whatever. Having shared my plans with co-workers and a friendly back-yard neighbor, though, they both convinced me that my first step should be to find and use an aerator.

Having never heard of such a thing, but being impressed by its breezy and lofty sounding name, I agreed wholeheartedly that it sounded exactly like the thing that would bring life back to my yard, a breath of fresh air!

Then I saw what these things look like. Holy crap! And I think I’m in trouble because my son chases my dog around with a plastic lawnmower. I see perforated dachshund in my future. Anyway, I now understand the best way to get results from a reluctant lawn is to torture it into compliance. I plan on taking part in the aerator-rental block festival scheduled for later on this month, where we pass around the hideous device in a sadistic attempt to force the lawn into looking like something approximating the front nine in Augusta.

I have allergies, though, so most of these lawn activities require me to wear a mask. Inspired by this helpful advice, I found a new one.